I’ve come to a point where I have no name for him. It used to be asshole, mother fucker, fucking idiot. The list went on and on.
Now I’m simply grateful.
Grateful the universe gave me him to have 3 amazing kids. Helped me raise my daughter from a previous marriage.
There were good times yes. But learned the bad were out weighing the good and decided to move forward. A couple of times yes. You know just to see if I could work through it.
It was work I didn’t want to come home to anymore. So I left for the last time.
Took my personal belongings, and my bed that I slept in by myself for too many years to count. I imagine at some point I will part with the bed as well. At one point I felt lost there, now I’ve come to realize that is where I was found.
I realized there was something wrong with me. I am in control of nothing other than myself. As much as I tried I couldn’t control him or anything else for that matter. I was the one who needed to be fixed if you want to call it that. I needed repairing. I’m the one who endured what I endured for so many years and unfortunately my children saw their mother suffer because of it. Hopefully they have learned and will continue to learn from my mistakes. I’d never healed from the mental abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse when I was a child. I pushed it aside and hoped the memories would fade away. Throughout my life these lessons kept repeating themselves until I learned. Boy did I learn.
There were days I wouldn’t stop crying in that marriage. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I lost several friends and business partners from repeating the same sad story over and over again. Most importantly through it all I lost myself.
I found me, finally.
Self love isn’t taught and often times it isn’t even learned. I teach self love now because that is what I have learned throughout this process. I’ve learned to love me. For who I was, who I am and whom I will be.
If you feel stuck you can always unstuck yourself. Don’t give up. Keep fighting for what you believe is right. The right people will come into your life when you least expect it to help you through.
Ever heard of H.O.P.E.?
It means Hold On Pain Ends 💫